The Firebreak Food Pyramid

How interest groups pushing their own food pyramids have become a joke

Health Warning: Like every other Food Pyramid released in the last two weeks, this article is satire. Although most of the claims below are based on statements or positions from MAHA members in the US Department of Health and Human Services, it remains satire nonetheless.
For those who may be confused with the amount of naturopath dogma entering this discussion, please try to avoid all of the ideologies and interests. The best advice is to consider adjusting your diet according to your circumstances, favoring vegetables and fibers and reducing empty calories (while increasing water, exercise, sleep and relaxation). Never take advice from anyone who takes credit card payments.

Since RFK Jr used his oligopoly in American health policy to rewrite the US Food Pyramid to serve his interest groups, followed by many others groups publishing their own versions, we decided to publish The Firebreak Food Pyramid. In order to generate more income for our supplement grifters, MAHA Moms and naturopaths, try to eat as much as possible of the foods at the top of the pyramid and try to avoid the foods at the bottom. Read the labels, get confused and then follow our grifters’ advice.

Consume as Much as Possible

Supplements

Given that people are no longer vaccinating, supplements are important to boost immunity, reduce inflammation and cleanse the body (in coordination with the regular use of detox tools like enemas). Consult the experts’ web pages and remember to use your special discount codes.

Animal Fats

The people who said fats are a hazard to heart health were paid by Big Ag pushing deadly vegetable oils. We need to go back to how our grandparents cooked in the 1950s with animal fats, tallow and butter (when most men dropped dead in the streets in their 50s from heart attacks).

All-natural Food

The only thing that matters is if food comes directly from nature (not processed, packaged or handled by humans in any way). Adding preservatives, stabilizers or emulsifiers is as bad as adding food coloring (something the FDA has practically banned).

Red Meat

Protein is the most important food category so if you can go full carnivore, you will become stronger and leaner. Vegans and animal rights activists have tried to confuse consumers for decades with false claims of health risks from beef and pork. Plus, they’re delicious. Cholesterol is not a health risk and, as heart disease is declining, these false claims are only being amplified by Big Pharma.

Organic Food

The pesticide industry must not be allowed to control our food chain, poison our children, destroy the land and enable the industrialization of nature. Our “chemical cartel” farming system was imposed on us by German Nazis so choosing organic food is a means to defend democracy. If the label says organic, it must be healthy!

Consume Liberally

Alcohol

Because, as Dr Oz said, people need to chill and socialize, so if meeting friends and going on a bender is what it takes to relax, then alcohol as a “social lubricant” should once again be liberally consumed (just “not for breakfast!”). The HHS has now removed the previous limits on alcohol consumption for good reason – those prohibition lunatics need to lighten up.

Raw Milk

Anything man does to food destroys its natural goodness and nutritional value. Raw milk fresh from the cow builds up the immune system and makes the body stronger to fight off pathogens and parasites. Raw milk producers also stand up against the abuse of the dairy industry and the stifling control imposed by the regulatory agencies working on their behalf.

Fish and Chicken

The chicken must be grain-fed and come from free-range farms and the fish must be wild (not from aquaculture sites). Do not promote industrial food production and be careful to watch the mercury levels in fish. Only buy tuna with the label we promote!

Fruit and Vegetables

Fruit and vegetables are often treated with pesticides and wrapped in plastic so be careful how you consume them. As they tend to lose any nutritional value shortly after entering the food chain, it would be best to consume the fruits and vegetables at harvest, straight from the fields.

Consume in Moderation

Non-dairy Milk

If you cannot find raw milk in your area then use non-dairy milk substitutes (preferably organic soy or almond milk). If it is necessary to consume dairy, only drink whole milk from grass-fed, free-range cows. The higher fat content is the most important aspect to consider.

Unrefined Sugars

Sugars have been badly maligned by industries who promote chemical sweeteners as an alternative. Raw sugars are best, but ensure they are organic and originating from cane (even though they destroy developing-country ecosystems). Sugar coming from beets are GMOs (grown with glyphosate) so they must be avoided.

Cigarettes

You must not vape or consume nicotine pouches (since they are highly addictive and synthetically produced by Big Tobacco), so continue to “smoke ‘em if you got ‘em”. Try to smoke organic tobacco to avoid cancer. Also avoid using smoking cessation tools like nicotine patches or gums. They don’t work and Big Pharma is only trying to rip you off.

Do Not Consume

Packaged Processed Food

An important MAHA rule of thumb: The more processed a food is, the lower the nutritional value. Ultra-processed foods will be banned shortly, but any type of processed foods must be avoided. They are often packaged in plastic, which leaches chemicals into the food and poisons the body with nanoplastics invading our brains, affecting our hormones and making our children autistic.

Artificial Sweeteners

Sweeteners like aspartame are chemicals that IARC says cause cancer. It is not a natural food and the chemicals are designed to make you crave sweet food, making you fatter than those who consume natural sugars.

Food with chemicals you can’t pronounce

Vani Hari, the Food Babe, made this line famous a decade ago and RFK Jr recently reused this tactic, mispronouncing several common vitamins. Food must be chemical-free.

Fake Meat

Companies like Beyond Meat use GMOs and their synthetic meat goes against the MAHA rule to only consume natural products. Plus their lobbyists have not been very polite about the intellectual capacity of our Mom Armies.

Grains and Cereals

Grains are very high in carbohydrates (the source of inflammation and weight gain) and are almost always GMO (not natural and made with glyphosate). As America is adopting a national keto diet, grains and cereals must be avoided, as well as all processed vegetable oils (pure poison).